Finding Me…

I was looking through my website and came across these random, (not) posted thoughts:

my similarities to the sun

  • sometimes overshadowed by clouds
  • occasionally eclipsed by the moon
  • but always living to rise to a new dawn

I started this list – Three years ago… wow… that would have been 2014.

Some things are the same about me and my every day existence – yet I feel different! Probably because the lens that I view life through, has changed.

Even though on the outside everything looks status quo, I can feel what would be missed by the naked eye and random observer.

No longer do I feel like I’m wandering aimless and purposeless.

No longer do I feel in the shadows, eclipsed, or overlooked.

I have found my voice. I have found my stride. And I’m excited for what the future holds!

It is a new dawn indeed! But this reality is better than I ever could have imagined! Because before I was waiting to acquire things or a certain status to feel peaceful, happy, and whole. But lo and behold, I have arrived to my happy place – and it didn’t happen because of a material possession, relationship status, or career promotion.

It’s comforting to know that this secure place is nestled inside of me – forever mine!

MLK Jr. Had A Dream… So Do I…

I started my ascent at 3:40 pm. As I climbed I listened to Multiplied by the contemporary Christian group – Need to Breathe. How poignant of a group name because that’s how I felt on the way up… breath 1, breath 2, breath 3… whew!  

And I went all the way up – to the tippy top. When I Googled I found out, it was 1 mile up (1,600 feet of climbing). Along the hike, I stopped twice for a minute break of water & breathing… but then I was back at it! I arrived to the top at 4:04 pm. 

Before heading back down, I took a few minutes to just revel in the beauty of the mountainside – to reflect on the symbolism of my trek. This was another vision that I saw and manifested!

I also took a moment to pay homage to a man who once spoke about experiencing freedom on the red hills of Georgia. So I decided to listen to a contemporary mix of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s I Have A Dream Speech. The song is called One Day by Vandaag! I think my ancestors smile down every time I conquer a new challenge or break a new threshold… So there I sat, on a rock, sweat pouring down, as I smiled and reflected… 

In this moment-in-time, in this season of life, I feel fully capable of bringing each and every dream of mine to fruition. I am full of life and full of love. Feels good to have arrived here. To this place. To my mountaintop.

And each new accomplishment reminds me of the next mountain top I have my sights set upon. Motherhood… I am getting so close to her (my daughter) that I can hear her, see her, and even smell her. She is my next big vision! I shall Birth her and become a biological mother! Wow! I get chills every time I think about it 🙂

The road to this place of fulfillment has been long and tiresome! But I am stronger, I am better, and I am living this life of mine to the fullest. 

And guess what – it’s not over yet! I’m ready for more!!!

But before I could tackle anything new – I had to get off that mountain! And it was so much quicker on the way down. I smiled and even had a pep in my step as I headed to my car – a nice long shower was on my mind!

I have a dream…

It all began with a Thought…

Have you ever took a moment to think about how cool you are? And not in a cocky, obnoxious way – but in a serious deep reflection about the unique things that make YOU – YOU…

Well I had that moment this morning!

As I sat in a swinging chair (my favorite type of chair by the way), on a porch of a landmarked Victorian home, in the sleepy suburban area of Frederick Maryland (just south of the Mason Dixon line and founded in 1745), I thought about how cool it was that I manifested this moment… I brought it into being with a simple thought that I backed up with some action (to actually make it here physically).

I’ve always been a go-getter / a risk taker – so this mini vacation to stay at this B&B was definitely something I have a track record for doing. But I’ve never really stopped to appreciate that part of me… the side of me that sees what she wants and then does it!

So here I am, sitting on my swing & giving myself a pat on the back. Kudos to me! Another wonderful life memory to cherish. Another story I’ll be able to one day share with my children’s children 🙂

When I turned 30, I began to somewhat entertain the idea of becoming a mom. Then at 35, I was first resentful and then saddened that pregnancy was not something that I just fell into or stumbled upon. For some of my friends, many of my friends, motherhood came easy for them… Alas, that was not my story and it made me sad – really sad! But now… after 12 long years, I look back on my journey with feelings of gratitude. Go figure! Because in those years (since age 30) there is so much that I’ve accomplished and experienced that was just for me – ALL ME! And now, I’m truly ready to share the lessons, the wisdom, and the love with someone else.

I hear my future child calling me – and I am ready 🙂  But in this moment, for now, I just sit, swing, and appreciate all that I am – right now.

Life According to Me,

Dr. Donna

 

 

 

Slow and Steady revisited…

Sometimes it pays to look backwards…

In 2015, I wrote a blog post about the need to be “persistently consistent”! I recall that year… I was in the midst of wanting to see certain dreams come true, not realizing that there were different blessings awaiting me. My dream then was to get my memoir published – that dream didn’t manifest in 2015. Bummer… but what did happen was that I published my first children’s book, I booked several speaking engagements, was invited for a few radio interviews, and decided to take a GIGANTIC leap of faith – I made the choice to remain celibate until marriage. Whew! What a year!!

In the midst of the myriad of changes, I placed my memoir dreams on the back burner, and focused my attention on other passions such as public speaking, and Dance!

Fast forward to present day… the timing still doesn’t feel right to turn back to my memoir writing, so for now it shall remain on the shelf – as I tackle new projects such as making progress on two other book ideas and advancing my dance technique… and of course continuing to save to reach my goal of $25,000 in the bank. As a brief aside – I made my first step of progress towards my savings goal. $1000 has been saved this month.

So… it seems I’ve been taking my own advice… I am “putting one foot in front of the other” and trudging along… slowly making progress. The eternal dream chaser, I won’t quit until I manifest every single dream I’ve ever desired – even the memoir. One day it shall see the light of day. Until then, in my immediate future I see splits, pirouettes, leaps, writing, and saving – saving – saving… ahead of me.

Life According to Me,

Dr. Donna

Here’s the 2015 post that I mentioned above:  Slow & Steady – 2015 Post

 

Birthday Musing – Life Reflections…

Yesterday was my birthday and 6 guys from my past called to wish me Happy Birthday… yup that’s right – SIX! I was somewhat astounded. There were calls, text messages, Facebook messages, and even a Group Me message. It seemed they left no stone unturned. At least half of that number I expected, as we have remained friends post-relationship. But the other half, that caught me by surprise. My inward response was: “wow you remembered my birthday?!”

The upside to these resurgences from the past was it echoed quite loudly the notion that people remember me, even after the relationship is no longer. That’s pretty cool, because I think it’s an innate human desire to know that you’re not forgotten and have left an imprint/mark! But there is also a downside to this unexpected attention. Visits from past ghosts brought with it trips down memory lane. Their gestures to wish me birthday blessings left me haunted. As I replayed each relationship over in my head, I confidently confirmed that none was a good fit. But when it was all said and done, I was still single and I left wondering “when will I meet my right fit?”

Some people get bummed by birthdays, afraid that the added year means “they’re getting old”. Not me, because each year usually means a new year of EXCITEMENT! As I mentally scrolled through the last few birthdays: at 35 it was a photo shoot in NYC & girlfriends dinner, at 36 it was a photo shoot & weekend getaway in Florida, at 37 it was a weekend of parties, at 38 a girlfriend spa weekend at the Ritz Carlton in Arizona, at 39 a professional photo shoot in Atlanta, at 40 an overnight spa trip, and at 41 I jumped out a plane. And this list doesn’t even take into account the plans that the “then” boyfriend(s) had planned for my special day!

So based upon my track record, I was all stoked and ready to receive 42 with open arms. I had the ultimate adventure planned, but then my plans had to change. I am saving for a really big upcoming expense, which means the responsible thing to do would be to stay local and grounded, on my birthday. Bummer!

I rebounded from my initial plans and did a really good job of enjoying my local birthday (took myself out to an early breakfast at a French Bistro and then midday lunch at a Mexican restaurant that I’ve never been to). But my ex’s… ah my ex’s… their resurfacing has me questioning myself. The relationship has ended. Have I changed any since then? Am I making any traction or am I just running on a treadmill going nowhere? Is my life progressing or am I stuck?

I don’t know that I discovered the answer… but I trust that time is the wonderful revealer of all things. So I will just have to be patient and wait to see how things pan out. A year or two from now, it’ll be interesting to see where I am and what I’m doing (in life).

Rebirth: Dancing Out of the Ashes

For most of 2016 I haven’t posted to this blog… Was it that there wasn’t much to say? Or that I had outgrown this venture… No that wouldn’t quite describe my recent activities because while some things have changed, others have remained the same –

I’m still waiting on God to meet my husband and start my biological family…

Having to wait so long was starting to take its toll, hence the gut wrenching tears that found their way from the depths of my soul out of my eyes, at the start of 2016… But then something shifted…

I began school to become a dance minister (November 2015) and it stirred something within me – something that had always been there but had finally made its way to the surface… I really wanted to pursue my passion for dance.

So writing was neglected as I chased my love of dance. 2016 found me studying to become a dance minister, taking dance classes at a local dance studio, and even enrolling as a dance minor student at a local university! There was dance, dance, and MORE DANCE! AND I Loved it! Ballet, Jazz, Modern, and Hip Hop!

I felt invigorated and more alive than I had ever felt!

  • I graduated from dance ministry school in October 2016 (…even completed my dance final on pointe (who would have thought I’d be back in toe shoes! Haven’t danced in toe shoes since the age of 10!!))
  • I have continued with my university dance minor (I’m about half way through!)
  • And at the end of this month I will be performing a ballet piece with my local dance studio

My dance love and purpose have given me inspiration and hope, as I continue to wait for my husband and family… It appears that dance, in many ways, brought me BACK TO LIFE…

And now that I’ve gotten so many things accomplished with dance, I figured it was time to get back to writing – which means blogging more regularly and working on two different book ideas.

I guess that’s all for now. But how serendipitous that I am writing my first entry, in quite some time, on the day that the Savior arose from the dead. Maybe it’s symbolic.

“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard Way

 

“The phoenix must burn to emerge.”
― Janet Fitch

 

“When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning.”
― John O’Donohue