What’s Any of It Worth? Battling Depression…

I was going through a difficult time… feeling unsettled and unaccomplished. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact trigger but I knew that I was and had been frustrated for quite some time. It seemed that others had it so easy – their minor complaints appeared trite as I was fighting big issues such as what is my purpose? Why have I struggled so? Where is any of this going?

It appears that I was caught in the midst of an existential storm, that proverbial place psychologists refer to as man’s attempts to understand the cosmos. However, for me this was more than a simple mental activity. I was emotionally fighting for my existence. Desperately wanting the endured struggles, to mean something! Anything!

However, the answer never came and I was left feeling sad, aimless, and borderline hopeless. Not only was I directionless, but I was also starting to loss the battle against that little voice inside which doubts that there is a purpose to any of it.

I fell asleep defeated… when I arose my body was rested, but not my soul. My spirits were still down in the dumps. I went to use the restroom and had the impulse to hear the song Rend by Eddie James. As I listened to first chords of the melody and the beginning lyrics which state: “oh that you would rend the heavens”, it was in that moment that the tears finally came. Not wracking sods but a slow steady stream of release. After that cry, I decided to look up the literal meaning of the word Rend. The dictionary offers these definitions: 1) tearing/splitting apart into pieces, 2) to pull or tear violently, and 3) to distress/disturb the heart. The first two meanings seemed logical – but the third… the third one initially disturbed me…

Why would the distressing or disturbing of my heart be necessary? How could that ever be a good thing – a helpful thing?

However, then I recalled something that I recently read in the Untethered Soul (by Michael Singer). He discusses the idea of purifying your heart. The process of purification occurs when we allow our hearts to remain open and “to live in love [because love] feeds you and strengthens you”.

Once I fully accepted that I was asking God to open and clear my heart, I gave myself permission to feel – even those feelings of sadness and misery; hence the tears falling.

But you know what? I actually felt better once the tears came, because instead of staying locked inside to torment me – the distress came tumbling out, freeing me to later move on with my day… My ability to move forward led me to I stumble upon a quote that I want to share with you:

“Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”― Samuel Beckett. This quote brought me solace as I was reminded that there was progress being made even on the days when I questioned if there was any.

As long as I continued to get back up, I was making strides.